House Who?

Explanation: I wrote this predominantly as a joke. Billi? Writing a Doctor Who / House crossover? My muse is off on vacation or something, so this was kind of scrawled on the back of a postcard he sent me. It's in pieces, but just use your imagination. Doctor is 10, set somewhere in the second season. House-wise, I'm imagining this a bit after Stacy leaves. Around the “Sex Kills” episode in the second season.

"'Allo, I'm the Doctor," the gorgeous man with perfectly styled hair and wearing a pinstriped three-piece suit said, holding out his hand.

"Oh, I thought all these cool certificates on my wall meant I was the doctor," the unshaven, greying man said, gesturing at the wall of the office with his cane. "But if you're the doctor, I guess I'm the patient. Cool."

"I'm Rose," the blonde, curvy woman said, holding out her hand as the Doctor nonchalantly put his hand back in his pocket.

"Hey, is she a doctor too?" the greying man said, looking interested. “'Cause if she is, I'm definitely the patient.”

House put the cane across Rose's path as she started to leave the room. He ignored the surprised looks Chase, Foreman, and Cameron were tossing each other. Two hearts? Really?

“Does he have two of anything else we should know about?” House asked irreverently.

The tone of voice made the lewd joke evident.

“Yeah,” Rose said, tilting her head, “He's got two ears and eyes, as well. Anything else you need to know?”

She knocked his cane off the wall and walked out.

“Feisty,” House commented, looking after her. Then he turned around to face his team. “Someone give me a differential diagnosis on what could be wrong with a patient with two hearts.”

“Is he going to be alright?” Rose asked, her accent round with wobbly ends.

It was hard to decipher at first, with most of her 'l's missing and her 'th's pronounced like 'f's. And the way she held her mouth, like it was constantly just a bit open – it was difficult in the beginning. Chase understood her the easiest, but that was little surprise to anyone.

“This whole two-hearts thing is pretty cool,” House said, checking both heart monitors in case the dual rates plummeted again.

--

“He's crashing!” Foreman called. “Get a crash cart in here!”

Cameron flew in, the cart wheeling crazily in front of her.

“Here,” she gasped, pointing Chase at the machine and running over to hold Rose back.

“What's going on? What's happening?” the woman was shouting, her eyes darting around in a panic.

“Wait, do we use two paddles, or four?” Foreman asked suddenly, lifting the paddles off his chest. His heart rates were still flatlining.

“Come on, let's get you out of here,” Cameron said, taking her arm.

“No! I can't leave him!” Rose said. “They don't even know what they're doing!”

“You have to do something!” Chase shouted. “Go!”

“I know you're upset, but you have to leave,” Cameron said, basically dragging her from the room.

“Clear!” Foreman shouted, and then jolted him.

“Well, that's not going to do anything,” House commented, walking in.

“We should use four paddles for two hearts,” Foreman said, glaring at Chase.

“We don't have time,” House said. “He's going to get brain damage in about ten seconds.”

He dialed the voltage higher on the machine – to twice the level recommended.

“Go.”

“You're going to kill him!” Foreman shouted.

“He's already dead,” House pointed out.

Foreman rolled his eyes, but put the paddles on the man's lean chest.

“Clear!” he shouted again.

Nothing. House took it higher.

“Clear!”

Both heart monitors beeped back to life and House turned around.

“Told you so,” he said as he left.

--

“You didn't answer my question,” Rose said thickly, sniffing.

She was sitting in the chair against the wall, staring at the inert form of the Doctor on the hospital bed.

“I prefer to let Cameron deal with you emotional spigots,” House quipped, striding to the door, his inspection of the patient complete.

He didn't look back as he continued down the busy halls. Wilson joined him.

“What were you doing in there?” he asked, keeping pace with the limping House.

“The real question is,” House said, “why aren't you in there.”

He nodded toward a glass room with four bald children in it, playing.

“Today's your day for the chemo-kids.”

“You never check on patients,” Wilson continued. “Especially when they're stable.”

“It's bad karma to ditch the hairless wonders,” House said, rounding a corner; his face took on a mock-sincere expression. “Now you'll get cancer. For your wife's sake, I hope it isn't—actually, if you're cheating on her... that's like, double karma!” He finished wildly, flailing his hands about in a ridiculous manner that Wilson was used to.

“I'm not having an affair,” Wilson sighed. “And you're avoiding the question.”

“No, I'm ignoring it,” House corrected.

“Why were you in there?”

“I was checking on my patient.”

“Why?”

“He's an alien,” House said, swiveling to a stop and facing Wilson. “Do I need a reason?”

Wilson gave him a look.

“Okay,” House admitted, walking again. “I've been trying to push open hearts surgery. Can you blame me for wanting to get my hands in him?”

“I thought Cameron told Cuddy you were harassing Rose about it and Cuddy threatened you with three more months of clinic duty. But didn't Rose refuse anyway?”

“I suspect Cameron was involved, again,” House brooded, a bit like a pouting, vengeful five year old. “Why don't I fire her?”

“Because you like her.”

“Wrong answer,” House said. “Correct answer: because she's smart, and Foreman and Chase don't have a soul. And because I know you secretly like her. If she was acting a little more guilty, I'd say you were having an affair with her. It's actually quite considerate of me to keep her around, seeing as she ruins every interesting plan I ever have.”

“I don't—“

House's pager went off then, and he looked at it, then turned around.

“Space boy's coughing up blood,” he said. “I'm gonna go see if it's green.”

Wilson sighed and followed him.

“You can't get away that easily.”

“Oh, do you wanna see too?” House asked in an overly cheery voice. “Or are you hoping to see Cameron?”

“I think you like her.”

“Who? Cameron? She tried that already. The cloud of compassion aggravated my asthma. It would never last.”

“The girlfriend, House. Rose. You don't make jokes about me and other women unless you're interested in someone.”

“Actually, I think I've been harassing you about your affair for weeks now,” House said, coming to the sliding glass door. The Doctor was coughing violently on the other side, crimson speckling his hands and the sheets. Cameron and Chase were already in there. “You know, Wilson, I don't think we'll need you. If he does have cancer, chemo will probably short-circuit his alien wiring. I hear they still use lead on Mars.”

Before Wilson could respond, House slid the door shut.

“He's dying,” House said without looking at her.

He checked some more monitors and IVs. The two heart monitors blipped alternately; his heart rates were slower than they should be. His temperature looked about 98, which was low for him, apparently. The heating blankets weren't doing anything.

“I thought you said you let Cameron talk to us 'emotional spigots',” Rose deadpanned.

She didn't really care anymore who told her what. She honestly couldn't remember who'd said what about which disease in the past four days. They all sort of blended together in her shocked, sleepless brain.

“That was when you were emotional,” House said, sitting down next to her heavily.

His cane clacked onto the chair next to him.

“Now it seems you've dried up.”

“Look, if you've come here to make fun of me, you can leave,” she said, her voice shaking.

She wiped a tear angrily off her cheek and stared at the inert form of the Doctor. The New Doctor. The Real Doctor had disappeared. She was still getting used to this one. He was much more hot-blooded than the last.

“Sorry,” House said abruptly.

“S'fine,” she mumbled, putting her tired head in her arms and sighing.

“Do you want a cot? I can have Chase bring one,” he said quietly, studying her.

“No, I'm alright,” she said, a little more loudly, sitting up.

“Your staying up isn't going to make him better,” House said.

“I want to be awake if something happens,” she insisted, glancing over.

“There's this really annoying thing about hospitals; you wake up as soon as anything goes wrong,” House said, sarcasm again, but less caustic. “All these machines start beeping really loudly and people come rushing in...”

“Okay, fine. Get a cot,” she interrupted, yawning.

“I think there's another reason why you don't want to sleep,” House said.

“What, the Doctor dying isn't enough?” she snapped.

“If you were really that concerned about him, you'd be over there holding his hand. You're acting like he's a stranger.” House paused to focus on her face. She wasn't looking at him. “That's not why you don't want to sleep.”

“It's just nightmares,” Rose said, wiping her eyes again on the back of her sleeves. “It's nothing.”

Daleks and light and the whole of the universe and time. It rushed through her, stripping her of herself and making her something so much more terrible...

“So much nothing that you've been stumbling around like a weepy drunk since you arrived,” he said, the words sharper than his tone. “I'll get you some Valium.”

He started to get up, but Rose put a hand on his arm.

“Don't,” she said, her eyes flickering up into his, then back down again. “Just—keep talking for a while.”

“About what?”

“Anything. I don't care.”

She put her head back against the wall. He didn't say anything. She opened one eye and half-smiled.

“Well go on, then,” she said. “Recite some disease names or something. I really don't care.”

“Don't you want Chase? He's got a sexier voice.”

“Just talk you great lump.”

He studied her again. Her eyes were closed and she was waiting. He began to talk about cases he'd solved and cases he'd lost. It took her twenty-two patients to fall asleep, her head lolled onto his shoulder.